03 June 2016 - Ups and Downs

03 June 2016

My body's condition is uncertain; it goes up and down. One day, I may be fine working from 7.30 am - 5 pm and go home, as I get tired after getting my brain working for 8 hours already. Another day, I may wake up in fever without any particular reason. Some days, I cannot stand working for 8 hours and have to go home halfway.

I don't feel strong enough for work already. I don't do yoga anymore after work, since I always feel tired after work. Some days, I force myself to do yoga, but I get exhausted after a light session of yoga class. I feel sad - this is not who I am.

I suffer from appetite-loss. I cannot eat favorably, enjoying every edible blessing given by God onto my dining table. I have strict food restrictions that paralyze me from enjoying my craving. I have a considerably huge appetite for cakes, spices and fattening food now. Oh goodness!!

What saddens me more is seeing my fiancee struggling with my condition. He always picks me up from work every day, and we always go to hospital together twice a week. We always discuss with doctor, and sometimes the doctor encourages us by stating that my condition has improved better. We cheer but we still have to keep up with prescribed medications.

It is a two-edged sword : if medication consumption is ongoing, my body immune system gets weaker; if medication is halted, my body drops due to no supporting system from medication. Either way, I keep up with prescribed medication and help myself by eating according to food restrictions.


Every day we keep praying to God inside our car. We park somewhere for a moment of prayer. We cry and (fervently) ask for His divine healing to be manifested in me. We hold each other in tears and in much hope in Jesus. The only thing I can tell my fiancee is to summon strength from God - to be stronger.

Sometimes, when my sickness emerges, we get ourselves helpless - we cry and hug each other closely. We keep telling His promises to one another - Jesus loves you; Jesus is always for us, never against us; Jesus sees our sufferings; His grace is made perfect in our weaknesses; you will be healed by His divine power, etc. We summon our little faith through retelling His promises.

Today, I am still struggling with my sicknesses, and I manage to be present in my workplace. I am thankful that I can live another day, contributing to wherever I go.

All of my life I've searched for You Lord

You called me to Your side

With all of my heart, I'm desperate for more

Your presence is my life

The cry of my heart

Is to be where You are

Father, You are my heart's desire

Overwhelmed I will worship You

I will dance to the dance of heaven

All my heart be enthralled by You

Only You and You alone, Lord,

Irene, x