Final war is getting closer, yet I haven't prepared any weapon to fight with. As day is passing by time, as time flies with speed of light, it never remembers me on closer war. I promise to myself to be a 4 pointer starting from this semester, as I believe that I can tackle this school with my prior knowledge that my beloved teachers had taught me in Sutomo 1.
Hello, this is Polytechnic, not JC, so an Irene MUST be a winner whatever happens. An accelerated student doesn't deserve to get into Polytechnic, but God has designated me into this life, so I have to perform the best to prove to others that YOU ARE DEFINITELY WRONG FOR UNDERESTIMATING ME.
It's hurt to be underestimated by others who are NOTHING, but they feel they are so superior. They see me as NOTHING more than a broken girl, since they own solid complete families. They say that I am pathetic. Yes, you're true, Babies. Again, I repeat my statement, "YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY TRUE, BABIES". However, you never instropect yourself about what you have thought towards me. Think of this statement "how pathetic is 'pathetic'..?"
If you think that you're more than me, I admit you're true. It's nothing wrong with your self-declare, BUT you are just luckier compared to me. You have lovely solid families, luxurious vehicles, home-sweet-homes, and everything better than mine. Your children are better than my mom's- they enter prestigious university. Meanwhile I am only a Republic Polytechnic (3rd Poly in Singapore) student majoring Biomedical Science. Well, if you held a survey taking the whole world to choose who is better, I'm pretty sure that 99% correspondents say yours is better. However, having such reason doesn't mean that you have such power to knock me down to the ground. Whatever you say about me, it's all craps for me. I never take it as a matter nor a compliment. One thing that you should know that I AM NUMB, and I am an ignorant about gossip to the max.
One thing that you need to know: I love being gossiped. I love people talk something so controversy about myself, as I'll take it as passion for my life.
You don't need to phone to my home everyday, forcing my mom to take me out from this Polytechnic. I am who I am, and NOT EVEN one can control my life, even my parents. Maybe, you saw me as someone who is so fragile when I cried revealing all my sorrow about my mom to you. I was wrong. I thought I would work as a nurse after graduating, but God is kind. One of my friends says that I have such chance to pursue medicine in Australia. Moreover, I've checked NUS website, I can enter faculty of medicine there. So, now, I just need to prove your null-assumption to be wrong. I have my own alternative-assumption.
I remember my failure while I was hoping sky-high, but in the end, I got nothing. You said that I was too stupid to be a scholar. Then, I was fail again for the second time, and you laughed out loud at me. Saying that I was a stupid yet stubborn girl who is trying to be a scholar. Now? I am not a scholar, but I am a holder. Well, you're not laughing at me anymore, but you're definitely forcing my mom to change my life. Are you being somebody who want to ruin my future?
Dear Aunties,
You know that I hate my mom. I definitely hate her, but, still I have another elf-side to love her. I appreciate her effort to give me birth. She ever told me that if she was surrender herself during surgery, I would be a dead baby today. I was too stubborn, as I didn't want to get out from her matrix. It's enough that I have killed my big brother before I was born. It's all enough. My mom is pathetic enough to live her sad life. She is left by her beloved husband whom she was trying hard to get as her boy-friend last time. Now, she is playing and working hard in her life. Enough burden and pressure on her shoulder.
I don't need your rubbish mouths which love talking about my bad to her. Words are words, but they can add burden to one's life. Furthermore, you're just making her sad day by day, as she will curse me day by day. At last? I am the one who get hurt. I am absolutely wrong to hate my mom, Aunties, because you're the starting point to burn everything in my life. Woagh! My mom is only a mediator of your jealousy.
Dear God,
I had weird dreams these days. I dreamt about Abet, Robin, and Steffi Fanggara. I was so scared in my dreams, as my dreams came in chapters. Last night, I was surviving my day by eating one meal, and I was totally starving at night. Then, I fell asleep with my hungry stomach. I dreamt my new pinky Blackberry Bold was spoiled by splashed water, and Abet threw it away into drain! It's not scary, but I was like 'ARGH! STOP IT!'. I forgot the scary part of my dream, but it was being recalled every night as I am going to fall asleep. I wonder did I scream in every silent night?
Recently, I feel my apartment like my home. I remember every single habit that my siblings and me usually do at home during holiday. I am not sad, though. I feel like happy that I can stay with my lovely room-mate, and she can make this atmosphere like my home. Thanks, room-mate! I'm happy to belong the same room with you ♥
Every night before I fall asleep, this room is slightly similar to hotel that I stayed with my family. Then, I remember the laughter with my siblings. Their smiling and laughing faces. Silly faces, but I miss those faces a lot. Moments when I screamed at them, and they were laughing louder, as they couldn't stand my stupid angry face. They are not afraid at me in every single emotion I show, even anger. They know that I'm never angry at them, although I scream like hell at home. My being is precious that they don't want me to leave home, honestly. There will be no laughter anymore. No more silly expression at home. No more doll parody among us. No more lame-but-funny jokes at home. No more sister role at home for them. Oh Gosh, I feel like dejavu before I leave for Singapore. They are lovely siblings that I ever have. Bless them in every step that they do, God ♥
God, frankly speaking, I don't know why I can write such post, although I didn't plan to write so. Now, I know, there is always a meaning behind dreams that you have given to people. I don't know HOW I CAN GO THROUGH such conclusion that hating my mom is a wrong action. I dreamt about Abet throwing my pinky lovely sweety Blackberry, and I was crying in my dream. How come the conclusion is: my fault to hate my mom? HEHE. Am I just being non-sense? I don't think so.
I awake from my nightmare telling that my mom hates me. It's just the matter that I never put myself into her shoes. I always put myself in others', but now I can feel fear that she is feeling right now. Bless her, God. She needs strength to get out from the bias facts that my aunts are just trying to affect her view towards me. Bless her, God. She has nobody to accompany her by her side. She only has her children. Please God, remove devils from her world. She is pathetic enough. She is enough. My aunts are trying to make greater gap between me and her.
God, thanks for waking me up today.
I stop thinking of my salary being released and extinct moment. I have to be a 4 pointer!
P.S.: When a girl is ignoring you, it's when she needs you the most ♥
25th August 2010 - 6.53pm
with lotsa love love love ♥ ♥ ♥
-♥.queen.viper.♥-
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