28 Sept 2015

I vividly remember how last week / 21 Sept - 25 Sept 2015 was the ugliest week of my entire life. Never did I weep until I lost my strength and might for the entire week. I was devastated of my own life which I have built with much determination, effort, hopes and commitment. I felt God didn't want to look at me anymore; He just let me go away wasted in my own messy life.


I cried over phone calls, our meet-ups after work, on your shoulder, on your shirt, on my pillow to sleep, everywhere. I cried wherever I could land my face on comfortably. I think it was the saddest part of my life, so far. As far as I am living and experiencing difficulties, I admit this time is the greatest. This moment is also the moment I wonder about God most.

Never did I doubt God as much as I doubt Him today. I doubt Him with all my worries and anxieties now. I think God doesn't care of my silent yet deep sufferings. I think.

I know I am definitely wrong with my own perception. I know this is just a selfish illusion that I tell myself to comfort my uncontrolled fears.

I know God will be responsible of what-is-going on. Everything has been uncontrollable.

I remember how hard I wept on our phone-call when I was supposedly watching movie screening at Grand Aston hotel sponsored by US Consulate. I remember how hard I hammered you with my disappointments towards you. I remember everything. I remember how bitter I felt towards you when you couldn't re-affirm my resignation decision.


How selfish you were, I thought.
How dare he saw me walking down aisle of depression.
How dare he kept quiet of my resignation decision.
He said he loved me, but he could have strength seeing me abused and harassed by other.


How could he.
I should just cancel all my wedding plannings and agreement and fly-away to safe myself.
I couldn't live with such a man like this. I would end up suffering more than I faced today.

I couldn't resist my own bitterness and anger. Perhaps, I was wrong at that time.

Cindy and Santo were patiently escorting me wherever I ran to at Grand Aston Medan. They worried if I would do anything stupid or harmful to myself. I was too fragile to live by my own at that moment. They drove me back to your home after movie-screening was finished.

I saw you opening door for us happily. I saw you.
I was still bitter. I thought I better broke-up despite of loving memories behind.

You approached me, and you asked for a hug.
We both fell on each other's arms. We both wept.
I know it was all worth-it to be gone through together. I just need strength and courage like what people have given me.

I just need that strength and courage.
and comfort amidst chaotic life.


I just need that. and Jesus' miraculous work to be done immediately.
It has been tarry and suffering. Very tarry and suffering to me.

Oh Lord, hear my groaning of suffering.



Irene, x