Heartache

Hi :)

Staying overnight in NTU for another time :) Staying with spiritual sister, of course! Thank God that You grant me a sister who understands my pain and suffering. I feel much more better now, but well, in fact, I'm still feeling stress.

It's 2.43am right now in Singapore, and I don't feel sleepy at all. I have not been sleeping for 3 nights already. Fortunately, I'm not being a one-fourth-alive zombie walking on this earth, but well, my body is extraordinary weak. Speaking softly, unlike the normal Irene who speaks as loud as vuvuzela, people thought that I lost my voice (which in fact, it's not); I'm just weak. Shoulder pain. Heartache. Headache.

People say that heartache is the most painful one; I agree with them. This pain, caused by my CG, is the most painful one; it stabs until the core of my chest bone. Whatever. I almost lost my mind, thinking of the best phenomenon to end my life. Call me insane, I was not hopeless; I know that God is within me. But wait, what for I live in this world without anyone loving me? No one cares of me. No one gives me a big hug. No one welcomes me. I felt like a parasite, asking for help here and there. Not asking, begging is the best word.


I was behaving so strange lately. Weeping in the middle of lecture. Weeping while worshipping and praying to God. Weeping in the midst of night till the next morning. Weeping while having my meal. It's like weeping all day long. Today, when I was about to weep for the infinite times, I couldn't do it. Maybe my tear-glands have exhausted and dried. Whatever. Loneliness is tragical.


When I confided in my problems to people who care of me. They really know how tough my situation is.

"Yeah, emank berat banget ya, Rene" and then passed me a help immediately.
"Yaaaaa (ampun), Rene. Be strong, Rene. Great storms bring tremendous glory. This is going to end soon, trust me. You can go through these. You're strong"
"Don't lose hope and courage, Rene"

Bitterness doesn't solve any problem. I came to CG, but I didn't join the meeting. I went to somewhere else, to get alone. I didn't want to interact with anybody else. I'm vulnerable right now. A piece of joke could hurt and bleed my heart. I need support.

God left me with Job17 and Job18 when I was about to cut my blood arteries. I ceased to cut myself, and I wept. God knows perfectly.


I don't know what to type anymore. It has been 3.30am in Singapore, and I'm wondering if I will sleep tonight. My body is aching, but it doesn't get me to sleep. Oh well. I will be glad if anyone takes initiative to lay hands and to pray for me.


faith, hope, love,


Irene, xxx