Teen Father

2.29pm - 20th August 2010

Oh, thanks God for granting me a ruthless mom who never wants to put herself into my shoes.

I'm enough to receive any requests and commands from her.

I need to save money for my HTC Smart. I think she has to know how my condition is. She never thinks about me, yet she thinks I am the most wealthy girl in the world who can afford this world with my part-time job money.

God, please God. I have fulfilled her wish-lists during GSS, and I am broke because of her. Now, she asks me to treat her at luxurious restaurant in Medan. I better go Dutch with dudes! Or I better burn my ticket which costs for 2.5 million Idr. I would be better being alone in Singapore staying with my room-mate and being autism rather than going back to Medan and feeling such broken pressure at home. Home is hell!

God, what is inside her mind? What does she think about me? What does she want from me? What is she going to do with me? Controlling me again with her mouth? With her authority? Does she think that she is the most powerful one, since she is the one who is willing to feed me, besides my dad who never loves me anymore?

God. God, please God. I live in an environment which adopts such jungle law - you are fed with my money, hence, I have all control over you. You have to obey me, or else, you better watch out for something bad will happen towards you.

God, am I the most pathetic person in this world who has to satisfied my mom with all my belonging? Why should I do so? My karma? :'(

God, why why why. Why, God? Why she has to ask everything from me? From academic result to expense until treating her like a queen? I never ask such thing from her before, yet she is somehow childish. She wants me to treat her like a queen. Why? Is this trauma which my dad leaves after he left us? Why, God? Why so? Why I become a father for my family at teen? Why, God?

I have to make my siblings happy; I have to take care of them; I have to bring something for them. Besides, I am lap-sap managing myself in Singapore. What a forcing family!


Dear mom,
I know you love stalking me, and that is the reason why I postponed your Facebook friend request. I can't do much, because you can use my brother's account to stalk me. So, I confirm you at last. I never want to let you know about my blog. It's okay that you obtain information from my facebook and my other accounts. If I may admit, I am really pissed off.

You always ask me to satisfy your wish. Even, you urge me to get slots from Cafe during holiday. You're seemed so happy seeing me working late until 12am everyday. Do you know how I feel, mom? Do you know how much I love my health? Do you ever feel hectic and under-pressure? Can you see your daughter is not a girl anymore? She is a slave for your sake! Hiks.

I lied to you. I'm working at another place besides Cafe, and I'm lazy to reveal much to you. Since you are a braggart, and you love to bombard my stuffs towards all people in this world. You are so narcissus, and I always get blamed by you in the end of the day. How many times I have been blamed, mom? How many times I have been stabbed by people? How many people have been jealous towards me, mom? How many people have being sarcastic to me, mom? Most important one, how many times you have defended yourself after I cried giving up everything? You blame me while everything goes wrong. Yes, I am the one who screws up your life to the max, right?

God, I always talked to you heart by heart every night before my arrival in Singapore. I always asked you to open her heart, and please tell her 'I love you. Forgive every mistake I have done. I want freedom. I want carefree life'. However, why she never knows that message, God?


God, she always irritates me during chat. She never makes me comfort after my tiring work. She never makes me laugh during our chat. In contrast, she always disparages my best friends. Saying their failure. Underestimating them.

Mom, do you ever take mirror, and see the differences? If you compare me, who is a weak-stupid-and-blind girl with them who are NTU NUS Scholars, you will discover that your daughter whom you are proud of is totally NOTHING BEYOND COMPARISON. I am a normal girl with her effort to see this world with her little heart, but recently, I lost my feeling, as you treat me badly. I am numb. That's why I seldom cry. I am numb to feel home-sick. I am numb to feel my room-mate's feeling. I am totally numb.

God, whoever read this post, bless those readers to understand how I feel. This is truth about me. This is what I can express. I wish, the beloved one will stay with me, although they have read this.

God, I love you. I need strength to survive with my mom. She is my mom until my death. Open her heart, God. I won't tell anything about me to her. I better keep silent rather than being tortured after I have confided in. I better be fake. I better smile, although her face is fierce towards me. I better smile, although she remains bossy and ruthless. Meanwhile, I believe that you have designated one to my life who will fulfill my life.

P.S.: Life with family is a war to fight. I will never win fighting alone, but I will learn to survive mentally and physically.

P.S.: I believe that in the end of the day, I will be a queen (in my way) living with a king together with my princess and my prince in my own kingdom. AMEN.

20th August 2010 - 3.18pm


with stabbed scar,

-bleeding.queen.viper-